The stress

I haven't had much to say lately.  So stressed over the situation on finding my birth mother.  I know ppl that know the answers, but yet, they do not wish to share that with me.  They come up to me starting the conversations, basically telling me that they know.  Then when I ask them to specify information, they just stop.

Wow, life is just crazy sometimes.

It's so crazy.  I may have located my birth mom.  What is so strange, if it is her, I have known some of the family my whole life and had no clue!  I'm waiting on that phone call to see if the dates and stuff match up.  It's going to be a very long wait, I can already tell, but I am sure it will be worth the wait.  All of you that read my blog, please keep me in your mind and prayers, this will be a life changing experience!

I never have enough time!

No matter what I do or when I do it, it always seems like there is more to do than the time that I have.  It is starting to drive me insane!  I thought that when I quit working that I would have more time to get the stuff done that I needed to, without rushing around, or being late doing it.  Boy was I wrong!  It seems like to me that I have less time than ever to get stuff done.  I got to get up, feed the kids, clean up the mess, get them dressed, get myself dressed, make sure hubby has all he needs to go to work.  Then I gotta clean the house, wash the clothes, IRON the clothes, which I hate doing might I add......  Make sure the bills get paid.  When hubby gets his break or is off work for the night, of course he has to get some attention, that most of the time I don't even have the energy or desire for.  All the while, I have 2 screaming kids that do not want me to do any of it!  When can I get a break???  When can I have my time alone?  No one can understand this, unless they are a mother.  Whether they stay at home OR work, either way, there never is enough time.  Ya know, when I was working, it seemed like I did get a little more done, but the price to pay was the time with my kids.  I rushed them off to the sitters, then on lunch I could pay bills or run home and clean what I needed to clean, then when we got home in the evening, I would feed them, bath them, then put them to bed, BUT where was OUR time together?  We never had any.  So I do NOT regret quitting my job, even tho, now it seems I have less time than before.  I guess these are the prices you have to pay for motherhood!  :-)

This day is about over.

Sorry I don't have much exciting to tell you today.  The day is about over and all we have done so far is gone to the beach.  I suppose I could to a bit of gossip to add some drama to this, but, honestly, that's just not me.  I want you all to read this cause you are interested in what I have to say, not who I have to talk about.  Sorry for that.  So, that being said, I'm off to get the kids fed, washed and tucked in!

On Monday.

I am tireder than ever!!  We had a great family day yesterday, but I think it took way too much energy out of me!  I am currently recovering!

Our trip, later that day.

Well, the trip wasn't all that great.  But at least we got to spend the day together as a family!!  As far as that goes, today was totally awesome!  I do have to say, the falls were peaceful.  I wouldn't mind spending the day there with just the hubby or when the kids are older, but 1 and 3 year olds were a little much.  LOL!  Neither got their naps in so that made them fussy.  Then, my daughter was insisting on swimming with the alligators!  I mean, I could NOT convince her that that was a BAD idea!  That dang Dora the Explorer!  She supposedly said that the gators just smile at you.  She shouldn't false educate!!  LOL!  Oh well.  So we ahve decided to spend the night at a motel so my posts will have to continue tomorrow cuz texting it is just a bit much!  Have a great night!

 

Our trip

On our way to the State Park!  A day of family fun in the sun!  I just can't wait to have a wonderful day of relaxation.  Just wish my allergies weren't so bad right now!

Was I really like that?

OK, I'm not going to lie.  I have said that I did alot of partying in the past, but I'm not sure if I stressed how much I actually did.  It was ALOT.  I was watching ADDICTED the other night and this chick was hooked on HEROIN.  They even showed her shooting up.  The way she looked, when she was high, I know that look.  I have never used heroin not even once in my life, but the way she seemed like she felt, I remember looking, at least in my mind, how she did, feeling that same way.  I did use some things, mostly eXstasy.  That was my favorite anyways, among the other stuff that I did.  I absolutely LOVED it!  Before some of you out there start saying how stupid I am for my previous statement about the heroin, I am very well aware that X pills are either heroin or cocaine based.  I have never used heroin itself.  Like shot up or whatever else you can do with it.  NEVER, not even once.  Some would say, a drug is a drug none any worse than the other, they are all bad.(drugs are bad, mmmmkay?)  But when you are in that life, yea, there is a difference.  Myself, I would NEVER touch heroin or crack.  Anything like that was just the lowest of the low for me.  That's the stuff that people get hooked on, and go to trickin themselves for.  I couldn't see myself doing something like that.  Looking back though, I know quite a few people that tricked for pills and powder and other stuff like that, stuff that I did, that I payed for, cause I had a job and just payed for my habit.  I partied for 5 years maybe more, I never got addicted, I just liked what I did, and didn't want to stop.  When I met my hubby and we got pregnant and started our life, I just put it all down, now questions or thought about it again.  But back to the look of the heroin addict.  I remember feeling how she looked like she felt.  It actually made me sick to my stomach.  I thought I was going to throw up, to know that I had been where she was and I thought that she was far worse off than I had ever been.  I'm not saying that I looked down on her, more like, had pity for her.  It just seemed so sad.  In actuality, I was that girl at one point in my life.  The drugs didn't have a hold on me like they did on her, but they still had that hold, cause I had no desire to leave them.  IDK why I did them, nothing terrible or traumatic ever happened to me to cause me to start using.  I just did.  That was just what I did in my spare time for fun.  I enjoyed it.  I guess I'm just saying that I am glad that I am not in that place anymore.  As fun as it was at the time, was it really worth it?  To throw away so many years of my life?  Just to party?  All the people that I hurt?  I always told myself, it didn't affect anyone else, cause it was my life, not theirs, but now I know, I did hurt others.  My family and the people who truly care/cared about me.  That's who I hurt.  And in some ways, I hurt myself the most.  All for what?  A few years of partying and fun???   Now that I have changed my life, and I'm trying my best to live for Christ, how did all them years of partying benefit my eternal life?  It didn't.  I was just wasting my time.  I am very blessed to be alive today.  I know of at least 2 or 3 times, that I probably should have died, but all I can figure is that God had a better and bigger plan for me, so He just wouldn't allow me to leave out of this world like that.  I try to remember and thank Him every day for that.  I am thankful for my second chance, and my beautiful family.  I can only hope that I can be of some help to another soul who is out there and lost just like I was that is in the same boat that I was.  Just hanging out.. waiting for time to pass.  Hope that I may be the living proof that they may need that they can change and that there is something better out there than just going to parties and chasing that next high.  That is such an empty way to live.

The rain yesterday.

I just told a friend of mine yesterday that I'm finally over my cold.  Well, once again I am having a relapse of it.  I'm sure it is thanks to the rain that visited us yesterday.  I'm sure we needed the rain, but it could have just kept the colds to itself!!!!!

I knew it!!!!

This may be new to some of you, but I already knew this was going to happen......  U.S. forecaster sees increased 2010 hurricane threat!  Yep, that's right, just check out the link, it's from Yahoo!  The last storm I remember is when Opal came through, at least the last one here.  I was in high school at the time.  I'm kinda nervous about it though.  I don't want to loose my house!  I'm like 2 blocks from the water!  It could get pretty crucial this summer.  Someone told me it's cause of el niño.  I'm not so sure though.  It seems to me that everything is just getting bad everywhere.  The weather, the Earth.  Look at all the earthquakes that we have been having especially.  Maybe the Earth is trying to drop a little hint to everyone.  Maybe it's telling us we should slow down on all the stuff that isn't necessary.  All the ridiculous pollution, like the oil drills and stuff.  The world can only handle so much, then what shall we do?  Relocate to another planet just to ruin that one?  

Monday......

Today has been a beautiful and great day!  Spent the day with the kids, that was fun, did exercise class tonight, also fun.  We have a Dr. appointment to go to tomorrow morning, just a well check.  I'm sure it will all go fine.  Another earthquake hit yesterday.  It scares me to hear about these.  There have just been way too many, way too close together for me to be feeling comfortable about it.  Aftershocks are keeping people on edge, not that I can blame them too much.  If that isn't bad enough there was an explosion in the mines.  I remember years ago, there were several mines to collapse, it was so scary.  All you can do is just sit there and pray and worry.  I do hope that everyone is OK, the missing ones anyways.  
Doing my devotional, it was talking about faith.  I need to have more faith than what I have now.  I do have the faith that God is real, and that He helps me on a daily basis.  I honestly and truly believe that.  I don't have so much faith though, to just put everything over into His hands.  Not that I don't trust Him, I just worry too much about things.  I have been praying that that will get better and that I will learn how to totally turn everything over to Him.  The more the days go by, the better I think I am getting at it.  That is, because the more the days go by, the more that I see the world is just getting worse and worse.  It can't take too much more.  People are becoming more heartless and less caring everyday.  The world, nature itself, is protesting.  Look at all the bad weather, the floods, heavy snows, even the earthquakes.  It can't take much more.  I pray for this world daily, as well as myself.  Faith, in my opinion, is the ONLY thing that can get you through in this world today.  
Also, before I go tonight, I found something that I found to be quite interesting:8 Old Wives Tales

It was a great Easter.

Yesterday we spent the day at church, together as a family and at the beach.  We celebrated the fact the Jesus is ALIVE!  Death could not hold Him down!  He IS alive so that He can save us from our sins.  Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me, so that I will not be condemned but have eternal life with you, through you!

John 11:25
I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies........

Bible verses for Easter
10 Popular Easter Bible Verses

Working out is changing me

I would like to tell you, after having my last child, I weigh 220 lbs.  That was my weight coming out of the hospital and up until a week ago, it was still my weight.  My son is now 15 months old and that is just not acceptable for me to still be the same size.  So, I went to a few walking classes at my church and really enjoyed them.  I eventually went out and bought 2 of the DVD's to have at my house.  The lady that makes the DVD is named Leslie Sansone.Biography:Leslie Sansone  She has a wonderful attitude that MAKES you just wanna get up and get going.  She is very perky and very encouraging.  The first DVD that I bought came with a little devotional book.  I really love it.  It gives me guidance in my workouts, and at the same time I can get spiritual guidance.  It is a wonderful idea!  The first one is called Walking the Walk, 2-MILE FAITH WALK. Walking the Walk Getting Fit with Faith  I did that one first, it is easy and low impact.  I used this one for a week, and in that first week, I lost 5 lbs!  Can you believe it??  I thought that was awesome.  So, I got down to 215.  That is a great first step.  I am currently on my second week.  For the first day or so, I only did the new DVD that I had just recently bought.  It is a bit harder, gets you moving a bit faster and it adds the elastic band for strength training as well.  The name of that one is Walk Slim, FAST & FIRM! 4 Really Big Miles. Leslie Sansone, Walk Slim  It definitely gets you moving!  After the first few days, I am doing BOTH videos.  So I get a total of 6 MILES in per day!!!!  I don't have time to sit around and sulk, being all depressed because I'm overweight and there is nothing I can do about it.  I get up and get moving!!!!  I have even noticed that now, I do little moves throughout the day from the video, and surely that can only help.  I am very anxious to see how many pounds I will shed this week!!  I don't have a scale, so I'm not sure so far what I weigh, but I can only be loosing, this I know for sure.  In the devotional book, she gives you 3 little things to ask yourself daily.  It really helps on changing your attitude towards life in general.  I want to be a better person, have better thoughts, and make better decisions, and I am on my way to doing that!!!  By getting FIT WITH FAITH!!!!!!!
Here are some some links to check out her videos and other stuff!  I hope you get as much out of her as I am.
Walk at Home videos
Good Info
Meal a day 10 day challenge
Her 4 fast miles
Walking part 1 start quick and easy

Finally

I just finished reading Breaking Dawn last night.  I thought that it would take me FOREVER to get through that book.  It started off great.  I was totally into it.  Then it slowed down a bit, and I got bored with it.  Towards the end though, I couldn't put it down!!!!   It was a great book!  I'm not sure which was better, Eclipse, or Breaking Dawn.  They come very close in ranking to me.  I like how it ended.  If Stephanie Meyer decided to add onto the books, I think she ended it so that she could.  I am not sure of how she could continue on, but I do think it would be possible.  I read yesterday on Yahoo! that she was supposed to be coming out with another book, something from Eclipse, like a spin off, from another characters point of view.  Here is the link for that article: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/movie-talk-stephenie-meyers-new-twilight-book.html  Hope you find it as exciting as I did!!!!

All day long..

We went shopping, it seems like all.......day.  I am so beat.  The kids fussed like the last half of our little shopping trip, which makes me even more tired.....

I am just worn out.

Another long day.  I tried to take a nap, since I'm sick.  I probably only slept for like 10 minutes then I got woke up.  I didn't even get to do my exercise today.  I am excited that I have lost 5 whole pounds!!!  I promise to get on and let you know the rest of my life story, it just may be a few days...

feeling.....uh, sick

I woke up this morning just fine, but I just got really sick to my stomach, very nauseated.  Oh, man this sux!  We had a great fun in the sun day planned for today, now I'm not so sure it will happen.

So, to tell my story

First of all, I was adopted to a wonderful loving family who could not have children, they are all I have ever known.  They got me when I was 3 days old, after they got me they had 2 more kids, my sisters!  They gave us everything that we needed and mostly wanted.  They always told me that we could be open and honest with each other, but ever time that I would, it would get turned around on me, used against me.  So I stopped the open, honest thing.  Things between us would just get worse and worse.  I didn't share with them, so they didn't trust me.  They would snoop through all of my things all the time.  I was fairly young the first time that I recall them doing this.  I came home after being out with my uncle all day, and my mama had just up and decided to paint my room.  All my stuff was gathered in the room and she found some letters or something with "bad words" in them.  I got in trouble.  They continued to snoop, and of course, all kids do things they shouldn't, they found other stuff.  When I was in middle school, they didn't like any of my friends, so I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere.  They didn't trust them or me because they didn't know the families they were from.  I got really tired of it, so obviously I rebelled.  I started smoking pot when I was in high school, with my first real boyfriend.  I loved smoking, but of course my parents found some... and I got in trouble about that.  They didn't like my boyfriend much.  After being together for about a year and a half I found out that I was pregnant.  At the time, I was only 16.  They would try to turn it around on my boyfriend when they would see him out with my friends and I was stuck home, but they forbid him to see me, what was he supposed to do?  So, shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I lost the baby.  Then my parents pretty much freaked out on me.  They put me in a hospital claiming I was depressed, pulled me out of school for a while and made me go to a school that did like therapy with the school lessons.  After a short time they did lighten up a bit, but I still had to go to a counselor every so often.  I did finish high school, even thought I got into quite a bit of trouble here and there, but hey who doesn't right?  After high school, I decided to take a year off from school.  After a month or so, I even quit my job.  I started hanging around with people that weren't looking out for my best interest.  I smoked pot and partied like most others do at that age.  When I was 19 I was arrested for selling pot.  May I just say that I was NOT selling it though.  I had never been in trouble like that with the law and haven't since.  From what I was told, it was like a technicality.  Like I went and bought the weed from someone FOR someone, so I was the one charged with the actual sell.  I really don't know, like I said, not much trouble with the law like that.  So, I got a bogus charge, $10 of weed for me=3 years drug offender probation.  So for 3 years I had ALOT of things that I had to be sure got done, alot of money to pay, and community service to do, and on top of it, I had to be home by 6pm EVERY night unless I was working.  My mom finally fessed up and told me herself that she spoke to the judge and told him to give me that curfew.  That made me think that they had a hand in my being in trouble too, but I can't prove it, and it's in the past.  They thought that I was doing a whole lot of things I really wasn't.   They thought I was in deeper than I really was.  I was in a bad direction, some kids shot my car cause they thought I had something to do with their money being stolen, which I didn't, and stuff like that, but I really wasn't into the stuff they thought that I was.  So, I did my 3 years of probation, meanwhile, turning into an alcoholic.  I would say for about 5 years straight I drank EVERY day.  No lie.  Sad  but true.  Not that I was addicted to drinking, like that, I just didn't have any motivation to do something besides drink.  I was so happy to be off my probation that I just started partying hard like all the time.  I had a job that I worked in the evenings, so when I got off it was just perfect timing to hit the club.  I got pretty bad off.  I was always chasing the next high.  I really never was addicted, like I said before, I enjoyed it, and just had no motivation to stop.  The way I saw it, I was only affecting myself.  It was my life, and it shouldn't matter to anyone else what I did.  After a year or so more of my ridiculous partying, and another miscarriage, I met this guy.  Something just drew me to him.  It didn't help much he would sit up at my work for my whole shift!  I ended up moving in with him really quick like, I'm talking weeks.  He ended up being the best man ever!  We are now married!!  We have 2 beautiful children together.  If I wouldn't have met him, and had kids, I don't know where I would be today.  Possibly dead.  The life I had before, sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I do miss it.  The freedom of not having to worry about everything, cuz it was just me, that was great.  The partying, I LOVED it.  It was my life.  I was a professional partier, if there is such a thing.  But, I wouldn't change my life now for the world!  When I really started falling for him, he really stepped in and told me how much better  I was than what I was doing.  So eventually I stopped all the drinking and all the drugs.  Mostly, it was because I found out I was pregnant.  I would NEVER drink or party being pregnant.  I do NOT agree with that at all.  It has been over 3 years and I haven't drank or done drugs since.  Just put them down, like that.  I finally had my motivation!  So, we had a daughter.  She is beautiful!  Right before she was born, I'm talking days, we got married.  My husband is from Mexico.  His parents sent him here illegally when he was 16.  So, we started working on getting him to a legal status, that way he could find himself a better job.  We started the paperwork in June 2007.  We sent papers back and forth for a while.  The next year, we found out that I was pregnant with our second child!  Shortly after that, we get a letter in the mail saying he had his visa appt down in Mexico.  So, he left in August of 2008.  They denied him his visa and sent him to a waiver appt.  He had to wait for 2 months to go to that one.  So, in November 2008, he went to that appt.  They told him that we didn't give them enough information, we had 30 days to get it together, or we have to start all over again.  So here I am like 7 months pregnant and they won't let my husband come home to me.  The following January, our son was born.  My dad went back with me for my c-section (my mom has a weak tummy) and my husband only got to talk with me on the phone.  Forever it seemed like he got to see his son only via webcam.  It was very sad.  For  me and for him.  It was a very depressing time in my life.  But God knew what He was doing.  Through the time that my husband was gone, I got closer to God.  I know that He had His reasons for us to be separated like we were.  I finally got the call from my lawyer in November 2009 letting me know that my husbands papers were FINALLY APPROVED!  That Thanksgiving my whole family was just so happy and excited.  We truly had something to be thankful for.  Our family was together, legally and we didn't have that rain cloud over our heads anymore.  Since then, life goes on as normal.  Ups and downs like everyone else.  That take us up to the here and now, which my blog will continue on as........Hope you enjoy and if there are any questions, please, feel free to ask away!

Rainy day sunshine

It was gorgeous this morning.  Now it is storming like crazy.  I love when it rains, but the thunder kinda scares me.  It never used to bother me before.  I think now days I am scared of everything.  LOL  When I get the chance, I plan on sitting down and typing up a short version of my life up until this part, since this is me, changed.  I want everyone to see what you can actually go through, and still live and come out on top.  Just because you may have royally messed up does not mean that your life is over.  You CAN start fresh and new, and I am living proof of that.  Maybe it's not ALL fresh and new, but for the most part it is.  My story has tons of getting in trouble in school, with the law, to partying and being stupid, everything you can see in the movies, that has been my life.  I am not afraid to share this, even the things that will make me look like a horrible person, because I know that I am not that.  I may have made wrong choices, but I have not ever been a bad person.  I have always cared about others, and wanted to help someone out.  I have always tried to good, treat ppl how I would like to be treated myself.  I have just had a crazy life in the process.  But as I said before, it won't be in this post, and I may have to split it up a bit, being as I have young kids, I can't always sit down for long periods of time.  So, you have that to look forward to.  :)

Done

Finished my walk, now I'm about to do a workout video.  Checked on that little room that I was going to possibly be finding open, it would have contained information on my adoption.  Just my luck tho, it was locked.  Another dead end.  I will NOT give up tho.  Next stop, the court house.  Hopefully, I will be able to find something out there. 

Walking time!

I am up and at em this beautiful morning.  About to go for a great morning walk!!  Trying to walk off them pounds, lol!!  The kids have been fighting all morning long.  They did the same thing yesterday.  It sucks!!  We got some blankets and bags we have been waiting for, they came from Mexico.  We are going to sell them, hopefully.  So far, no one wants any of them.  Oh well, they are so beautiful, eventually someone will want one.  I think this day is going to go by so slowly.  Still no word from the girl that is supposed to be getting back to me about my birth family.  I suppose all will be revealed when the time is right.

Should I stay or should I go now....

So, I am thinking of going to Mexico to meet my husbands family.  I just don't know if it is a good idea or not.  I keep trying to weigh out the pros and cons, but I just can't figure it out.

Nap Time!

Well, the kids are laying down for their naps. I did my exercise routine, we had lunch, and now I think that I am about to go through my Avon order. This day is going by slower than I actually thought that it would. I am still waiting for that email about my birth mom. IDK if I will be getting it today or not. She said it could be tomorrow too. I wish I knew other ways to locate her. Right now, it doesn't seem impossible, I have some ppl willing to help out, it just seems like it will take some time. Well, maybe something exciting will happen in a little bit, if it does, I'll be back to tell you about it!

Good morning all!

Had a pretty good night of sleep last night, I suppose. My daughter woke me up too early this morning. Late last night I had a chat with a lady that has known me for like ever.. I think that she wants to help me search for my birth mom. Maybe she knows something that she can't exactly say, but kinda wants to show me somehow. IDK I'm not quite sure what is going on with that right now. I suppose that only time will tell. I was doing the dishes this morning and got a phone call, now I am babysitting 2 other kids for a friend. So much for my other plans for today. I guess I will be home all day now. Or at least until 5. Well that is about all I have to say for right about now. I will be back on later!

This is me

I am 27, married to a wonderful man, and we have 2 beautiful children together. I stay at home now, with the kids. Love every minute of it. My kids are wonderful. I have been through a long hard haul to get to where I am now. My past is filled with tons of skeletons that alot of ppl know about, and some ppl don't. I was adopted, and maybe I have struggled with that for a long time and haven't really realized it. I am currently searching for some answers out there. Answers that can lead me to where I came from. I really just wanted to give you a little insight to who I am for starters. I will get back to you later, and you will find out what my life is as of now!!!