Saturday, April 10, 2010
Was I really like that?
OK, I'm not going to lie. I have said that I did alot of partying in the past, but I'm not sure if I stressed how much I actually did. It was ALOT. I was watching ADDICTED the other night and this chick was hooked on HEROIN. They even showed her shooting up. The way she looked, when she was high, I know that look. I have never used heroin not even once in my life, but the way she seemed like she felt, I remember looking, at least in my mind, how she did, feeling that same way. I did use some things, mostly eXstasy. That was my favorite anyways, among the other stuff that I did. I absolutely LOVED it! Before some of you out there start saying how stupid I am for my previous statement about the heroin, I am very well aware that X pills are either heroin or cocaine based. I have never used heroin itself. Like shot up or whatever else you can do with it. NEVER, not even once. Some would say, a drug is a drug none any worse than the other, they are all bad.(drugs are bad, mmmmkay?) But when you are in that life, yea, there is a difference. Myself, I would NEVER touch heroin or crack. Anything like that was just the lowest of the low for me. That's the stuff that people get hooked on, and go to trickin themselves for. I couldn't see myself doing something like that. Looking back though, I know quite a few people that tricked for pills and powder and other stuff like that, stuff that I did, that I payed for, cause I had a job and just payed for my habit. I partied for 5 years maybe more, I never got addicted, I just liked what I did, and didn't want to stop. When I met my hubby and we got pregnant and started our life, I just put it all down, now questions or thought about it again. But back to the look of the heroin addict. I remember feeling how she looked like she felt. It actually made me sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up, to know that I had been where she was and I thought that she was far worse off than I had ever been. I'm not saying that I looked down on her, more like, had pity for her. It just seemed so sad. In actuality, I was that girl at one point in my life. The drugs didn't have a hold on me like they did on her, but they still had that hold, cause I had no desire to leave them. IDK why I did them, nothing terrible or traumatic ever happened to me to cause me to start using. I just did. That was just what I did in my spare time for fun. I enjoyed it. I guess I'm just saying that I am glad that I am not in that place anymore. As fun as it was at the time, was it really worth it? To throw away so many years of my life? Just to party? All the people that I hurt? I always told myself, it didn't affect anyone else, cause it was my life, not theirs, but now I know, I did hurt others. My family and the people who truly care/cared about me. That's who I hurt. And in some ways, I hurt myself the most. All for what? A few years of partying and fun??? Now that I have changed my life, and I'm trying my best to live for Christ, how did all them years of partying benefit my eternal life? It didn't. I was just wasting my time. I am very blessed to be alive today. I know of at least 2 or 3 times, that I probably should have died, but all I can figure is that God had a better and bigger plan for me, so He just wouldn't allow me to leave out of this world like that. I try to remember and thank Him every day for that. I am thankful for my second chance, and my beautiful family. I can only hope that I can be of some help to another soul who is out there and lost just like I was that is in the same boat that I was. Just hanging out.. waiting for time to pass. Hope that I may be the living proof that they may need that they can change and that there is something better out there than just going to parties and chasing that next high. That is such an empty way to live.